My passive-aggressive Fitbit

It's Wednesday afternoon, I just left work and sat down at a cafe with my chai latte (aka fake coffee for people that still try to be hip), when my wrist started vibrating. It wasn't my actual wrist as much as the device attached to it. My Fitbit was reminding me that it's ten minutes to five and I haven't achieved the 250 hourly steps we agreed upon.

fitbit and athleisure

To be completely honest with you, my feelings toward this passive aggressive object, known as Fitbit(ch) have drastically changed since I started using it, in January 2017. Back then, I loved it so much for so many reasons I even wrote about it as a monthly favourite! Too old can't remember? Click here.

What changed? First of all, I am not keeping it on while sleeping, as I enjoy the freedom of sleeping with my arms bent in awkward position to the point I wake up just to shake them out because they went numb. Can't do that with a chunky watch! I am not using it to keep track of my water intake either because ain't nobody got time for that. Also, I am blatantly ignoring the 250 steps per hour reminder and I would not wear it for a special occasion or formal event. I don't think I like fitness and athletics taking over daily routine and leisure.

However, I feel guilty for not wearing it over the weekend, ever, because all those steps while shopping won't be counted. And if your Fitbit doesn't know you are exercising, are you really? It's almost as if it didn't count toward your overall health. Like not taking a selfie at the gym means you didn't really go. And not taking a photo of your food means you didn't really eat it.


To give you an example of what my Fitbit considers 'exercise': a dodgy street crossing to buy dinner before they sell out of all the good salads, counts as a valid day in which I've exercised. Don't tell mr. Fitbit, but also rollercoasters can pass as a exercise; the GPS doesn't know I'm not physically running in circles, nor the real reason for my increased heart rate. Shhh.

But then, when I'm actually working out, sweaty and all, my Fitbit has the courage to be passive aggressive in relation to my effort! For example, when I spend half an hour running, it would just tell me "Fine".

Fine? I'm clearly dying and that's all the encouragement you give me? How dare you!

Other times it would tell me: "Done" or "Finished". Which, to me, read as a "That's it?", or worse: "You call this exercising?"

I believe the concept of a Fitbit or any other fitness watch is a great one. To be fair, that 250 steps per hour reminder vibration can be used to hydrate, take a break from starting at the monitor, reply to that message, or actually walk around a bit. What I would really like is for the software to allow personalisation and match the owner's true self. Instead of being just passive aggressive, my Fitbit would be full-on drag queen sassy and it would give me the chance to argue back and have an open conversation, Siri style.

"It looks like I have successfully done 250 steps this past hour!"
"What do you mean 'meh', you passive aggressive piece of plastic."
"I could be featured on the wrist of an athlete instead I'm stuck with you."
"And I could have been born thin so I wouldn't have you nor my ravishing sense of humour. We can't have it all."
blip -blip
"You already fooled me once with the rollercoaster trick! I am not counting this as exercise. You are probably just eating chips really fast."
"You still counted 250 steps. Maybe I'm having an excited conversation in Italian with my friends!"
"Please. Your social life happens inside your head. Dice-rolling is not a sport, you nerd!"

Image: via

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