Swift

What the internet has taught me

Before the internet became what we know and love, we had to base our social judgement on our real-life circle of friends. Every quirky behaviour we had was hidden and never spoken of. The web, more specifically memes, made me realise I was not that different from any other teenager/twentysomething-ager around the world.

the internet taught me

Let’s take something incredibly silly and equally embarrassing: having to change direction while walking.

All of us, at least once in our life, had to suddenly stop and go the complete opposite way. It’s one of those thing s that is bound to happen, unless you are a robot. That’s one of the most embarrassing events of your life. You can’t possibly show people that you have changed your mind, or worse, went the wrong direction.

That's to be read with a heavily sarcastic tone. I hope you did so.

So, when it happens, we set our deception plan in action. One plan is the ‘I got stuff to do’: slow down, check shops, stop in front of a window/enter a shop, exit and walk the other way. The second deception plan is the ‘I have a social life’: take out your phone, check messages, slow down, sigh and look around, walk the opposite way frowning and reading.

Before the internet I had no idea this was a very common behaviour. I thought no one simply walked the other way. I thought I had some anxiety issues until I saw a meme about it on 4chan.

I found my people!

Since then, I found many other examples of things I thought I was the only one doing, because I am a special snowflake, but are actual things everyone does.

Such as the fake run people do when crossing the street. You don’t really run, you pretend you are sprinting so that the driver can continue their journey, but you are not actually going any faster. After noticing how many others do ‘the runny thingy’, now, I either keep walking normally and thank the driver, or simply move my arms as if I were running very fast.

By the way, I only do this last one when I am with people that know me well enough and don’t make me feel even more weird for doing this.

Also, now I know I am not the only one filling my online shopping cart, checking the total, and closing the page.

A classic!

I am one of those who, before closing the page, try to rationalise with said cart. Do I really need this? Was there another colour for that? To be honest, that’s quite expensive compared to the rest. I do have something similar… And I start removing items from my cart one at a time, until I am left with a few favourite ones. If the total is less than shipping cost, I will close the page. If the total plus shipping is more than what I want to spend for those few items, I will close the page. If it’s midnight and I have been online window-shopping -is it called monitor-shopping? - for hours, I will close the page. You got the idea.

Let's talk about the wardrobe chair! When you wear something one day, it's still clean, but not clean enough to go back into your wardrobe. So it ends up on the chair. You know what chair I am talking about. You probably can't see it anymore, since it's under a pile of clothes, but it's there!

Or the fact that all girls would rather buy new bras than wash the ones they already own. And this is universally done as bras don't even smell. Unless it's a sport bra and we did actual sport in it. Also, even if you were one of those people with their shit together that did things such as laundry and decluttering, no one will believe you if you said you washed your bras after every use, like normal underwear. Bras are not normal underwear, they are the superman of underwear, they can lift things, save lives, laser eyes and the whole flying thing.

Most likely flying to the wardrobe chair from across the room.



Image: via

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