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Zen and the art of lying about your age

The thing with lying about your age is that friends can, and will, backdate you. Because this, and shouting nasty things when you're on the phone with your parents, is what friends are for. But there's more to it than pretending you're younger, after all, if age is just a number, why are we all looking for a discount?


The friend-factor is not the only downside of lying about your age. I don’t want to dwell on the need to remember your actual fake birth year, and to drop the lies when talking to authorities as they are checking your documents at the door of the first casino you’ve ever entered in front of a whole group of people that you are trying to impress because you just moved there and you even wore heels and false eyelashes for the occasion.

That’s obviously a friend of mine.

Instead, I would like to discuss two lying-about-your-age techniques. I feel like these are the main ways to do it. In case you were curious about maintenance or thinking to start.

Some would opt for a graceful one, or two, year drop and maintain a constant increase. To be honest, this is the most efficient way to keep things real-istic. And it’s not even interesting to talk about. What makes things edgy and intriguing is picking a random number as your official age and keeping it until people give you ‘the eyebrow raise’ or realise you can’t possibly be twenty-two and going for your second degree in philosophy after having moved abroad and back home.

Same friend.

This friend of mine not only has a thing for even numbers, but believes some are better than others. She was ‘16’ for two years, ‘22’ for four, and is pondering what skincare regime will keep her at ‘26’ the longest. How will people know how old she is, you ask? Well, people have to keep up with the Barbashians! The new season will start when you least expect it.

At this point the world around her has changed so much that when a co-worker, supposedly her same age, mentioned ‘Hillary Duff’, my friend asked if it was a kind of beer or the ‘Genie in a bottle’ singer.

Note to my friend: remember not to talk about Nokia phones, MTV before it became teen pregnancy TV, Myspace, Justin. Timberlake, not Bieber.

There is a very scary scenario that could happen. I don't even want to say it out loud, in case it becomes real. So I’ll type it. What if you confidently state your official age, and people give you 'the eyebrow raise’ and say you looked older than that. And this very thought got me thinking. Wouldn't it be better if one said their secret age and have people not believing it because they looked younger than that?


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